My Favourite Song

Usually I say my favourite song is Incubus - Sad Little World, but, given recent events in my life, I'm going to start this one with S*M*A*S*H - Altruism.

I think it's important to point out now that when I was 17 I was given 3 weeks to live if I didn't sort my shit out, I had 1 week to start improving, or I was being chucked in the looney bin. Did my leaving cert 2 weeks later, several unfortunate and dramatic events during that summer forced me into a mental breakdown, I was sent away, and eventually kicked out of there, and unwelcome in my former home, sleeping rough and couch surfing, started college without a proper place to live, couldn't hold a job down, joined a band, was coaching U9 camogie, 2 people close to me died suddenly, still not coping with my eating disorders and at the same time was learning about myself and feeling more free, confident and in control of my life than I ever had before, while still struggling with the depression that had been present since I was 12. Crazy year.

I first heard S*M*A*S*H when I was 17, and Jeff and I had become good friends online (but nothing more, at that point) and he sent me over some of his music. This included Ride, elbow, Wedding Present, Belle & Sebastian and Kate Bush.

Took a while before I got round to listening to S*M*A*S*H. I had my mp3 on random one day, and heard their fantastic "Lady Love Your Cunt". Was fascinated by the feminist lyrics coming from an all male band, (Most governments, institutions, religions, weapons of war and general stupid mistakes were made by a man - I was made by a woman!) and got into them from there. The fact that this was also the year that two people very close to me died in quick succession, one from suicide (or something resembling it - I was too shocked at the time to ask, and amn't in contact with any of that group any more. I didn't attend either funeral). But anyway, Altruism. This was the song that somehow, reconciled my fear of death, and dying, and in a way, enhanced my love of life, and my drive to do what it was I wanted to do, and not live a half-life, slave to the system and all that jazz.

The fact it begins with the slow, melancholy "I have decided that I'm quite prepared to die, if my dreams aren't realised - I realise I am a future suicide!" then the guitars and drums kick in and you get the faster, more upbeat "I'm a future suicide! I'm a future suicide! But I'm still alive... ". It adds an element of hope, of strength, acceptance, and the 'but I'm still alive' really has been a useful one for me, just sort of saying 'it's not my time yet'.

As the song continues it refuses to dwell on that thought, instead, looking at what's important to the singer (Ed Borrie) - "My friend asked me, he said, 'write a song about all the things that you think are wrong', I said, 'I can't compromise my position, I want to talk about altruism'.

Another thing I love about this song is watching the thought process, as he goes from thinking about altruism, to thinking again about his band, which is his life, and reflecting the negative press and censorship experienced ("(I Want To) Kill Somebody", which was a hate filled song against the politicians of the time and politicians in general, which finished by listing politicians that 'this world would be a better place if they never existed', seemingly didn't go down too well with the British media) - so still focussing on surviving "I could suffer the media band, if I don't kowtow to the media's demand".

The next verse, begins again, a little helplessly, "There's nothing I can say or do, to ease these problems that are affecting me and you", before gathering himself again, focussing on the positive in the wonders and intelligence of nature and technology around us.

The last verse begins positively - "We could save the world, if we put our heads together, opened our mouths and said the words"... but ends somewhat dramatically, in the repitition of "The government runs the contraband! And my band could be banned, my band could be banned...", before suddenly being cut off half way through the word 'banned'.

I don't know, I love this song, it's so full of hope and life and appreciation and passion, but with that underlying depression, acceptance of death and the knowledge that we do actual have control to choose to end it or not (in the normal run of things, anyway). I think that those are all important parts of me. I think a part of me will always see suicide as a potential option, though not necessarily as the first one, but I want to live, I want to accomplish my dreams. As long as I am striving for the things I love, the things I'm passionate about and get so much pleasure from - and those exact things change as I grow - as long as I have them, or am able to work towards them, then I am realising my dreams, and that's what is important in life. If I couldn't do that, I'm not really living in any sense that feels worthwhile to me.