Me 3 years ago..

Heh. Found an old blog post now that is *almost* as relevant now as it was back then. Thought I'd share. :)

Sunday, July 08, 2007
thoughts
"dont think me unkind
the
words are hard to find
they're only cheques ive left unsigned
from the
banks of chaos in my mind
and when the eloquence escapes you
their logic
ties you up and rapes you"

alright the issue has come up in various
forms a bit in the last week or so, and i was doin my nut at work cos i
didnt have my writing pad to put all this into, and hell, i can type quicker
than i can write, so ill try do this here.

ok, so the first
incident was stevie askin why i need music on all the time, even when im going
to sleep. especially when im going to sleep, i told him. and... it's hard to
explain these things to people, especially with words, of the spoken variety.
which kinda came up when i was talking to Jeff last night. but... my thoughts,
in my mind... i cant understand what's going on in there... even just writing
that letter to rocky, it turned out 6 pages, with relatively small writing, i
just have to write frequently, thats one thing ive discovered in teh last couple
of months, cos there really is just so much goin on in my head that i have no
control over at all... i barely know whats happening in there half the time, and
yeah, my mood does be affected by these thoughts that i dont know are
there.

which is quite possibly why i suck so bad at actually
speaking. talking. conversation. explaining what im thinking verbally. i really
do just suck at it... cos... if you can imagine every thought as a single bit of
thread, but in my mind, its like the threads are all mixed together, and
when you think youre following one thread, youve actually lost it in the
knot, and are following another one... but when im writing, when i can see
the words, sentences, thoughts forming, i can see them i can hold onto
them, i can kinda bypass the knots that lead me onto another (vaguely
related) topic.

but.. the thing is, when im writing, yeah, i still
ramble, and one thought quickly leads to another and i get quickly off
point...

but when im talking... i, honestly, with the exception of
maybe Jeff, i just get embarrassed, and know im talking too much, or something,
and just stop, or become really conscious,and start stuttering... which
inevitably makes me stop talkin anyway.

the weird thing is... back
to the thread analogy, if i put my thoughts into writing often, like my regular
correspondances would be Jeff, Gilly and now Lucky... just emailing them, or
writing up stuff like this, or writing letters (though probably not really
anymore now that im not working and have other distractions), and i can feel my
head less cluttered, as though working it out through writing is like unknotting
and spooling the thread away, tidying it, organising it... even if its thoughts
on completely different things, or anything, just, getting thoughts out,
somewhat organised on paper, and i seem better able to handle what im thinking
in general.

which, even by what seems to be average standards, is
pretty fucking dismal, i reckon.

which is kinda why i have to have
music on so much. because, in silence, my thoughts go nuts, there's nothing to
focus them, nothing to keep me on track, no thread to follow... but with music,
you can focus on the music, or the words, or the sound, or pick out any little
piece of what you are hearing, and keep rhythm, or just hear it, listen for
it...disect the lyrics, decide what you think they mean, what they could mean,
what theyre trying to say, the particularly clever aspects, the assonance, the
alliteration, the visuals, the pictures and moods painted and created by what
youre hearing... there's so much to focus on, so much to keep your mind
from wandering overmuch...

blah, i gotta go. id intende da longer
rant. comments welcome.