My Favourite Movie

This is easy.ish. My favourite movie made for grown ups is Withnail and I (favourite one for kids/me is Finding Nemo, but I can probably talk more about Withnail and I).

Withnail and I is a film first introduced to me by my eternally awesome former housemate, known fondly as my Mammy Mark (he mammy licked me once, rubbing his thumb with his tongue to get a smudge off my forehead, and I've never let him forget it).

But aye, Withnail and I - two out of work actors, living in squalor -
"We can't go on like this! I'm a trained actor, reduced to the states of a bum! I mean, look at us! Nothing that reasonable members of society demand as their rights - no fridges, televisions, no telephones! Much more of this and I'm going to apply for meals on wheels".
"What happened to your cigar commercial?"
"That's what I want to know! What happened to my cigar commercial?! What happened to my agent?! Bastard must have died."

Sorta resembles the house I lived in at the time. Living a similar lifestyle. But with more sex and rock'n'roll. Oodles of drugs and booze though. "I must have some booze! I demand to have some booze!" "Four hours until opening time... God help us."

It's an extremely quotable film, and we used to have Withnail and I nights in when we would get really drunk and had to quote or reference the film at every possible opportunity. You didn't get hungry and want to eat, you declared that you "want something's flesh". As the vegetarian, I'd argue that "As a youth, I used to weep in butcher shops", to be told that "much more of that and you'll be sprouting feelers soon", and so on and so forth. Extremely quotable.

I think the reason I love it so much, outside of the great dialogue, awesome depiction of the lifestyle and trials and tribulations of said lifestyle ("I feel unusual, I need to go outside."..... "You know what we should do... Get out of here for a while, go to the countryside, rejuvenate" "I'm in a park and I'm practically dead, what good could the countryside possibly do?". "*spits* Jeeesus look at that. Apart from a raw potato, that's the only solid to have passed my lips in the last 60hrs. I must be ill."). I guess it all rings a bit true for me because I'm so familiar with drugs, addiction, and the compulsion to cope with life/have fun in ways that are less than helpful to my health and so many of my friends are in similar or worse situations.

Which is something I'm thinking about a lot lately. Two of my birthday presents this year consisted of illegal substances. Which is part of my friends supporting me in my 'not drinking' thing, with the new medications and such.

There are days I wonder where my life will lead - will I ever stop using drugs, or keep using them recreationally or will I fall deeper into it all, and let it become habitual rather than recreational? I know how easy it is to happen, one of my best friends is currently battling her own addiction demons. She started off just like me, curious and leaving lots of space between using. Yet here she is now, after years sex working and detoxing and quitting only to be stuck back in it all again, with all her money spent and worrying about the next week's rent, not to mention her own physical and mental health. It's so sad to watch. At the same time, she's been the most understanding person to me in this time of depression and nuttiness and self harming. She's the only person who hasn't made jokes, or given me shit over my wrists. She's the only person I've talked to about what was going through my head that day.

Which is one thing I love about working where I do, around other people who've used drugs, who've experienced addiction, marginalisation, prejudice and some fucked up shit (usually, if it's not a messed up background, it's the drug scene itself) - people get it so much better. There's a better sense of empathy and acceptance, I feel. One of the most important elements of my job is a non-judgemental attitude and I love that that attitude is mutual between me and the clients I'm greeting and chatting with. One even saw my wrists last week and didn't tell me what a stupid thing that was to do, didn't crack a bad joke about it, just asked if I was alright now, and said they hoped I was feeling better now and that I'd get through it.

Maybe she's just more detached from the situation, but so few of my friends were able to take that approach at all. I'd say the other friend of mine who uses most drugs was the second best one dealing with it. She was worried, asked if I was ok, then proceeded to give me some shit over it once she knew I was ok. Comments like 'nice bracelet' or commenting on how it was my own fault if I hit it off something. That's all fair enough, she's accepting it and isn't too in my face about it. Everyone else though... gyah.

Alright, so that was a bit of a tangent, but that's sort of the point of this blog - getting out all the tangled bits of my mind, and sometimes I need a heading as somewhere to start, and see where my mind ends up. And there's some stuff I did write but decided to delete as well, just TMI and more information/fears than I'm entirely comfortable putting up. But has brought some issues to the forefront of my mind that I can now begin to deal with :)

And one thing is, I'd be quite interested to read any feedback/questions/comments on this particular post. Challenge me, question the things I take for granted. Criticise me. Make me really think about this :)